Indebtedness

Here is my dilemma. Part of me wants to just let him alone, let him live this virtual life for the time being. We will be leaving California in another year or so and that will give him a chance for a fresh start. But part of me feels compelled to force him out into the world. He is involved with boy scouts, and I am thinking about getting him to join something else (don't know what yet, he HATES team-oriented sports).

First of all, Jo Anne, welcome. If we've been any help to you at all the last year, then I for one am happy that you lurked. Lurking is not shameful; it simply puts you at the opposite end of the spectrum from net.loudmouths.

I was thinking that your son might enjoy swimming, scuba diving or tennis more than "team sports". I do think it's a good idea for people to get some regular exercise, to have some outlet for their physical energy. Or fencing or martial arts, given his interest in muds.

Also, he is, by nature, obsessive. He dives into a subject for long periods of time, years sometimes, and thinks of nothing else. It runs its course, and he moves on to the next obsession. Right now the obsession is D&D, and this is manifest with the MUD games. Is it ok to let him do this? Trying to pull him away from these games is like beating my head on wall, and just makes him really unhappy. And yet, is this healthy?

Okay. I'm kind of like this myself. There weren't muds when I was a teenager, but I did play D&D and spend lots of time in my room drawing elaborate charts and histories, engaged in deep fantasy play in early adolescence.

My mother spent a fair amount of energy trying to deflect me. Part of it was good, because I did need other activities (physical, social, family outings) in my life. Part of it was negative, because she was very negatively focused on my fantasy play. She did send me to a shrink because of it, and, being an intelligent child, I managed to completely hide my feelings from the shrink for over two years. Like a prisoner of war.

In any case, as an adult, I still have a need for a certain amount of alone time, spent in contemplation (ahem, well, it's still fantasy play, I guess). However, because of my mother's negative obsession with my daydreaming, I still feel like I need to hide my contemplative time.

I spent about a year deeply fascinated with muds myself (at the age of 32). They are fascinating, both as puzzles and socially. A good mud is a rich environment and the other players add an element unlike that of any other game. Still, I would have stopped playing if I hadn't been granted programmer status. Creating the virtual reality is a combination of object-oriented programming and creative writing; it is a valuable learning activity.

You might ask your son to take you on a tour of the mud, so you can see how clever and involved the virtual environment is. If he is doing mud programming, he is definitely learning skills that he will be able to use later on in life.

So, my philosophy about fantasy play in general is that some of us need it. Some of us work out our problems and think using our fantasy lives. My mother is a much more social person than I am and she was genuinely worried because I preferred spending time by myself. She couldn't imagine why I'd need private time unless I was doing something wrong or why I'd need to spend hours with fantasy play except as an escape from "real life".

If you can, try to accept your son's need to delve deeply and to spend time by himself working on imaginative issues. Is he also bright and creative? Does he come up with deep thoughts that surprise you?

I'm watching my older daughter go through life with an intense need for alone time and fantasy play. Since the age of 2, she's been able to enter deeply into fantasies. She's also sensitive and imaginative and needs her fantasy play time to sort things through. It's a relief for me to be able to support her in this, to understand that she's not just wasting her time when she daydreams.